the lord called miss johnson home three months ago. [laughter continues] the funeral will be in two weeks. the family waitin' on the insurance polic...[chuckling]. [laughter, cheers, whistles and applause] i went to a strip club. i came up here. i love new york, man. there's always something exciting up here. - it is. - [cheers and applause] they don't discriminate either. shoot, down south, man, you got them strippers that-- i call 'em vietnam vets. strippers can't get no baby-sitter.

- they go, "hold my baby." - [laughter] man, they had a 91 year-old stripper, man. ninety-one! man, it was a trip. y'all seen an old stripper? woman: yeah. i mean, they brought one on the stage, man. look, can i just show y'all how it went? yeah. player, she was 91 years old. let me show y'all what happened. ♪ [slow music playing] [laughter and applause]

[laughter continues] [laughter and applause] [laughter and applause] [laughter and applause]

thank you. [cheers, whistles & applause] captioning made possible by comedy central. captioned by mccaptioning services www.mccaption.com from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. my guest i think you'll enjoy george stephanapolous will be joining us. mr. stephanapolous will be out here in a little bit. we'll talk to him very briefly because he's got to be up in like two hours. big news from vatican city tonight.

>> pope benedict xvi announcing he is stepping down as leader of the catholic church. >> jon: popes can do that? i assumed the papacy was like a lifetime commitment like being in the mob or being a correspondent on "60 minutes." in any case we'll bring you full team coverage of the pope's resignation in "holy quit." how is it going with that popey changey thing? now, the pope has issued a statement citing the growing toll of his advanced age leaving him ill suited for his ministry. but popes usually don't retire until they are called back to the home office. this hasn't happened in 600 years. the obvious question would be... >> what does a retired pope do? 's a retired pope to do? do retired popes do? jon: i'm not a religious scholar but if i know anything about retired people probably the same as what they all do.

♪ what do you mean what does he do? he's an 85-year-old. what does he do? he sits on his porch in a track suit and wrap-around sunglasses and he yells at the neighbor's kids. maybe he putters around in garden watching a little daytime tv and someone notices that the mail has piled up for a couple of weeks and the house is on the market. the cycle... you're right. that doesn't happen to 85 year olds. wait for the white smoke to come out of the chimney. but since you bring it up, what is the pope's plan >> he'll do what he's been wanting to do for a long time which is to read books and to pray. >> jon: isn't that what the pope was doing? sounds to me like the only thing he's losing in retirement is the waving. let's go live to senior vatican

correspondent is a mapt a bee who is in rome right now. sam, thanks for joining us. ( cheers and applause ) nice to see you in rome. >> thank you, jon. i am in rome. i am at the vatican >> jon: i can see that, sam, terrific. we haven't seen a papal resignation in 600 years. what happened here, sam? >> let's just say he's had a crisis of faith. >> jon: oh, wow. since when? >> well, honestly, since the whole manti te'o thing. the pope has just started to question a long-term relationship with someone he talks to all the time but has never actually met. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: that manti te'o thing was absurd. the guy's girlfriend dies and then suddenly comes back to life and... oh! >> they chat like 100 times a day right before bed but never on skype or faith time

>> jon: face time faith time. it's a vatican thing. it's like chat roulette but with fewer dongs. >> jon: shouldn't that be no dongs? >> yes, jon. yes, it should. >> jon: so the pope is resigning because he thinks for the past seven years he's been in a relationship not with jesus but with hawaiian ube prankster ronaiah tuiasosopo >> yes, jon. that's exactly what i'm saying. the pope can't let that happen again. besides, jon, the clues were always there. all benedict had to do was look up. >> jon: look up what? no, look up. jon: oh! it can't be. sam bee at the vatican, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) now, news of benedict's departure did come as a bit of a

surprise. for the most part the pope played his resignation pretty close to the vestments >> this is a decision, this has always been a low-key pope >> jon: yes, yes. a low-key pope. as to the past wild man popes like pope awesome iii. can a brother get an ava maria up in the basilica. party pope is in god's house. actually, this does raise an interesting question. who might the next pope be? one analyst suggests history could be our guide. >> the church, whennity lects popes, has a history of going long pope short pope long pope short pope. >> jon: you are talking length of service, yes?

for more, john oliver is going to be there. our senior catholic correspondent. he is also in rome. john, thanks for joining us ( cheers and applause ) >> hi, jon. jon, here i am also definitely in rome. even though news of benedict's resignation broke just this morning i got on a plane and flew here to rome where i definitely am. >> jon: thanks for doing that, john. i hear that the vatican culture minister is up there >> he's 71, jon. he has a better chance of going to chris to have shownberg. >> jon: they're going to go due tonic again >> you don't know what the [bleep] you're talking about >> jon: i follow mighter metrics, my friend. it's math, oliver. >> you don't follow [bleep], [bleep] >> jon: just before you were a

[bleep]. let me tell you something. i had posters on my wall when i was a kid. leo was the cute one. constantine was the bad boy >> i must have missed that while i was playing sports and getting laid. sorry about that. >> jon: i played sports. you're halfway there jon: you're in rome. any inside information? >> honestly, i'm hearing the name mitt romney floated around a lot. >> jon: romney? he's a mormon >> no, he was a mormon. easy involved on that issue. >> jon: interesting. why does the college of cardinals like santorum as well as gingrich, bachman and rick perry. the only problem there, of course, is that perry apparently has trouble remembering the holy trinity. >> father, son, and the... what's the third one there? let's see. >> you can't name the third one? the third one, i can't,

sorry. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: that's just last year's presidential candidates hardly in the running for pope >> i'm sorry, jon. you're absolutely right. would would they know about appealing to a floundering organization dominated by old white men clinging to an arcane moral code who must reluctantly embrace change to stay relevant? you're right. there's no crossover there at all, jon. not at all. i'm just going to go, jon, unless i'm being sarcastic in which case i think i'll actually stay >> jon: if that's the case, john, the church needs to rebrand as much as the g.o.p. does. they have to go latino. you're saying it's got to be pope rubio >> look at the numbers, jon. almost half of current catholics live in latin america. they're breeding like rabbits. they can't help it. they're literally not allowed to help it. and when you combine a religious ban on birth control, jon, with the fiery passion of the latino

culture, aye carumba, jon, it's muy caliene >> jon: the pope will be okay with this? >> maybe not, jon. lets not rule out what vatican watchers are calling the full lenoson aero. benedict steps down promising his job to a younger guy. after looking at a lowly future with no children and just his huge collection of pope mobiles for company he comes back a few months later demanding his old job. >> jon: or benedict says the new job can have his job but he keeps on blessing people an hour before his successor >> exactly, jon. if that happens i'm going full team popo over this. >> jon: popo,popo! popo!wvñrk

>> jon: welcome back. as parts of the country recover from the snowstorm there with, what do you call it, nemo... start naming snowstorms. another disaster sent shock waves through the northeast >> dozens of students have been disciplined over a cheating scandal that has rocked harvard university >> obviously this school, the most prestigious in the country. >> jon: it is. just ask any elderly jewish woman with a grandson there.

it's the best school in the country. and he's the best boy there. the brain jacks at harvard had to cheat. it had to be one tough exam. maybe they had to solve the equation from good will hunting or something. >> open book, open note. open internet. >> jon: did you say the test was open internet? as in you can be on the internet when you're taking the test? is this harvard or the university of phoenix? so they could use the internet and they still cheated off each other. i hope the administrators through the book at them and not some e-book they found on the internet >> the administrative board took the necessary, the time necessary during the fall to guarantee that every student's case is reviewed and resolved

individually under the rules and procedures approved by faculty. this is a time for communal reflection and action >> jon: [bleep] that. this is the time to think about why the most prestigious university in the united states lets you use the internet during a take-home test. for god's sake, forget about copying off each other. you're not allowed to do that on projects. don't you remember when keith michael was caught hiding pattern making books and using the internet and that guy was good-bye. i mean he was in and then he was out. no nothing. i'm not saying michael didn't deserve it. i'm not saying that. they were all very deserving. although laura, seriously, how many little black dresses can you make in one season? i should watch more than just season 3, shouldn't i? over and over and over again. by the way what type of class

would take a group of smart people with potential to compete, dangle a forbidden fruit in front of them almost encouraging them to be corrupt and then force them to deal with the embarrassment of a national media scandal because of it ultimately then imposing a relatively toothless punishment? >> the class is reportedly government 1310 introduction to congress. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: i rescind the question. i completely get why harvard is number one. those kids are going to do great. we'll be right b

( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome back. the anchor of abc's "good morning, america" and this week' george stephanapolous. please welcome back to the program, george stephanapolous. come on! ( cheers and applause ) >> how are you jon: i'm great. how are you? nice to see you again >> good to see you. i wish i could talk to my correspondents the way you talk to yours >> jon: don't you wish you could also have the travel budget that we have for our correspondents?

wouldn't that be something. >> it would be jon: do you guys... it is a curious thing. when you're not on tv, do you guys curse at each other? like is it playful? is it dirty? is it profane? >> all of the above jon: what's the vibe behind the scenes? >> pretty friendly actually. jon: is it competitive? i get the sense sometimes with network shows there's a certain like we saw this whole thing... are you familiar with the today show? there was a whole thing about the politics of what people were doing. do you find that that's a... >> there's limited amount of air time. everybody wants it >> jon: except for george stephanapolous. more hours in a week than there are hours in a week. >> it's my day off jon: is it really your day off? >> well, i'm here. jon: i thought you were here because you wanted to discuss world issues. >> of course. jon: i got nothing. are you going to the inauguration? not the inauguration, the state

of the union >> fly to washington right after. >> jon: now, for you, do you have any expectations, having been through it with clinton. wasn't the one with clinton where they put a different speech in the prompt? >> actually it wasn't the state of the union. a big health care speech. that was september 1993. he was... it was supposed to be a speech on health care. what was in there was state of the union from six months before. yes. seriously. i was in charge. >> jon: you were in charge? in theory, yeah. jon: but in practice? and as i saw the speech going through at hyper speed and clinton being brilliant and just add libbing the entire thing, i saw my career going before my eyes. >> jon: they never got the actual speech back up? >> 13 minutes. 13 minutes while looking at a screen that had another speech going at 90 miles per hour.

it was amazing >> jon: how many "reallys" did he use? did he say anything like, "it's really, really, really important." it's very, very, very, big. he didn't do any of that? is this just going to be another exercise in theater? >> it's always theater. theater is important. the theater does matter. the big new theater you're going to see tomorrow but i do think in this case the symbolism that could be moving is a lot of members of congress tomorrow are actually bringing victims of gun violence as their guests. >> jon: really? from newtown jon: i knew that the president was allowed to have like sort of a little section where he had... people with the first lady >> congress can bring some as well. several of them are doing it. the last count i saw was about two dozen. it's probably gone up. >> jon: really. the only thing i saw -- this may or may not be true -- but that one congress person is actually

bringing ted nugent. i swear to god. like maybe it's in a response to the second amendment thing. maybe they're just going to go out afterwards. i don't know. i don't know what they're planning. then there's this tradition now. there's always the republican rebuttal but now there's also the at a party rebuttals. two at a party rebuttals >> in instead of a republican response. you have the republican response marco rubio the senator from florida is going to give it and rand paul going to give the tea party response >> reporter: but marco rubio is a tea party republican >> he was supported by the tea party the last time around as he got elected. several of them are not happy with his position on immigration. rand paul is striking out. like his father, i think one day he wants to run for president. he's going to deliver the message of the tea party >> jon: at a certain point, could there be that and the tea party and one that is an

interpretive dance afterwards? the president now, you know, there's an awful lot going on about the imperial presidency and he's a tyrant. i think he made a smart move by saying we should probably set judicial limits for how we use drones >> we have to acknowledge what he's doing. you should have to answer to someone. >> jon: you would think you would have to answer to someone. do you think the idea is that he didn't for a few years and then they said that there was a recourse and that each case was viewed but only by someone... no judicial review at all >> there's no formal process where a court has to review it. that's one of the things they're talking about. in some ways it's not practical. we have to remember how everyone

felt after 9/11 >> jon: but, i mean, if we go purely on emotion, you know, you can make the case, well, let's have vigilante justice >> it's not simply emotion. we do know that there are al qaeda members who are trying to carry off operations every single day. probably not in the united states but not impossible. >> jon: like the warrantless wire tap there has to be a court due process set up so the americans feel... you're talking about americans. let's say they join al qaeda but there has to be some process that is judicially safe >> there has to be due process. when you're dealing with americans there's been a tradition though if someone joins the enemy, they become an enemy. if drones will be used more and more and more. >> jon: i've got one. i've got a neighbor that i'm pretty sure has joined al qaeda.

that's my point. you cannot... you have to have some... you have to get... there's no other way around it. >> but how can you do it in a way that is practical? that's one of the things they're trying to figure out. >> jon: even when the president was on here, he said i think congress has to reign me in, which is literally like i have a problem. i mean, someone should take my keys. i'm starting to like this. >> he said that. jon: he said it's tempting and congress should rein me in. of course congress is the most dysfunctional body since the jackson 5. i mean, they are the worst. thanks for coming by. enjoy, get some sleep. we'll see you. please send robin roberts my best. i'm so glad she's feeling well and coming back. george stephanapolous. we'll be right